Inevitable Circumstances

A Slave Unchained~ (Entry 6) {1995}

11

Nana was not by any means an empathetic person. She held onto her own hatred as if a parasite clanged onto and infested her inner organs. The manifestation of true evil lurking in a shadow, dominated by the bondage of the devil himself. As I gradually redeemed myself, she stood awaiting my return of snatching the bar of soap. The fragrance was delightful, but I wondered what was up the elderly women’s sleeve this time. Well, I had discovered the answer real quick. ” Now, deary every time YOU dare talk back to me…this will be your reward…” Reward? Umm…(Laughs). This woman was insanely condescending. How could this possibly be a “reward”?

“Open your damn mouth”. Nana insisted. I opened my mouth, dimples in all…She had required me to bite on the bar of soap for several minutes. It seemed redundant…what lesson or purpose did this serve? A child tests an adults limits repeatedly…till they ultimately achieve their reasons for pestering right? At least, for me, as passive and inferior… I had become in the care of this elderly winch…it was entertaining to push her buttons. Perhaps, I enjoyed pain and adapted to it. Beatings everyday, became a way of life. Yup, I craved pain as it was a way to eventually numb my suppressed emotions. Undoubted, no child should have to endure the bearings of such a horrendous way of life. I neither accepted it nor denied its actuality.

Minutes ticked by, it seemed like an eternity before the potent taste in my mouth dissolved. I just closed my eyes, envisioning a ravishing sun beaming down on my face. A hand reaching out to cradle my heart, and a wisping cloud of fog surfacing into my reality. It was nonetheless concrete, but it kept me at ease during the numerous battles… I had fought throughout the months. Finally the form of “rewarding me” was over and I could breathe a sigh of relief. “Now get out of my way…perform your duties like an obedient idiot”. I swayed back and forth in disbelief…(Chuckling)…If only I was as stupid as she professed. Adults will never comprehend the imagination a child possesses. Unfortunately in her defense…her karma would soon become revealed overtime.

Chores were completed promptly as my stomach roared. Today my main goal was to scrub the bathroom tiles…a kids favorite passing time (Laughs) NOT. Coincidently, Nana wants again disapproved of my hard-work. I was proud of the countless hours…I had wasted, and more so than anything; just wanted to fill my taste-buds with bland…gooey goodness (Sarcastic Laugh). Many of my reader’s would probably not understand the gratitude of at least being fed a hot meal. The foster-life was indubitable, unpredictable and more or less uninhabitable. Yet, a small person like myself had to thicken their skin and fight the battles alone. Me and only me was all I could rely on. In the end of life that is usually all anyone has left.

I learned how to grow up fairly fast during those 6 months. I had no choice, because a small person in the “system” had no entitlement to their own feelings. My way of thinking was worthless in the eye’s of Nana. She belittled me and degraded my self-beliefs. I was trapped in her web, intertwined, contorted and left to wallow in my own demise. The day was still young; I had cleansed my hands thoroughly from the ammonia used to properly disinfect the tile floors.  The smell was unpleasant…I would have prefered using a more simplistic approach. Water and soap would of sufficed…but obviously the elderly women’s heart contained ice and nothing else. She had no remorse for the weary and underprivileged youngsters.

Dinner was served, and I was parched. My mouth watered at the sight of the unpalatable food before me. (Laughs) I suppose, it was unsurprising my stomach agreed with such distasteful quality of food. I thought about how people deserted on an island survived. It is amazing what people gravitate towards when they are merely starved. Literally, people sustain solely off of insects, worms and other grotesque organism…wouldn’t that be disgusting? What happens to those organisms once they are entirely digested? The thought of it churned my stomache. In fact, I almost hurled my dinner that evening. I stopped myself, knowing Nana would notice and once again forcibly smear my face in it. (Yuck)!

After an interestingly revolting meal; Nana told us to dress into our best attire for a church event. We left a quarter to seven o-cloak…and I was astonished by how put-together the elderly women appeared. She wore fine pearls around her neck, a splash of perfume, her lips painted a dark crimson shade along with a dark pink cardigan around her slightly plump torso. Her legs were covered with black pants and her hair neatly styled with tight ringlets. “Rush along children…we must not be late”. She reciprocated. I pivoted my body towards the door and quietly entered the vehicle. It had been a whole week since being accompanied for church. We attended every Wednesday evenings and I enjoyed how kind and less intimidating the environment seemed.

Nana was a “Catholic” even though she came across cynical and narcotic. I couldn’t quite understand her motives. I honestly don’t think anyone could truly understand why someone could behave so hypocritically. Then again, what did I know? I was just a naive, idiotic…weakling; incapable of understanding anything. Church became my new sanctuary. The music was harmonious, soothing and just felt welcoming. I longed to know who or what God signified. Could God be a tangible being, or was he or she simply ambiguous? I strived to discover the answers. I attentively listened to the preacher as he lectured to the congregation each Wednesday evening. God was love, as his begotten son had sacrified his life for the sins of humanity. I began to dwell on this statement…What did it mean to sacrifice a life for the sin’s of humanity?

Good night, Diary.

 

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Kristi has told her testimony to over 2,000 foster youth in 2012. She continues to inspire many with her creative writing style and chilling stories depicted by an innocence and horrid journey.

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Posted in Diary Entries
27 comments on “Inevitable Circumstances
  1. Definitely worth the read. I sooo loved how you were strong enough… Or perhaps the lady had threatened you so much that threat itself had parted ways! I mean such people exist and are constant across cultures who never care about what their deeds are and pray god stupidly.
    Well written… Hope this lets you overcome ☺❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Anonymous says:

    Kristi testimony is none other than pure strenght and struggle to understand the cruel world that she has been forced into, at times cringe inducing anger invoking but complete amazement in her strenght, the story grips you and tightens its grasp with each entry. thank you for you words.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You’re welcome. I hope that my words will allow other’s to gravitate more towards the gratitude of life’s simple gifts. So many take for granted what is right in front of them. Thank you for your kind comments. It warms my heart ❤

      Like

  3. PoojaG says:

    Wow I don’t even know what to say. This is just so raw and painful to even read. It’s amazing how much you have survived and that you are able to move past it.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Wisdom... Akash!! says:

    Is the painting urs too?

    Like

  5. micketalbot says:

    I truly don’t know what to say, totally dumbfounded. Its not my in nature to wish bad on anybody, but I am hoping this so called carer gets her comeuppance. Moving on….

    Liked by 1 person

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